A big part of the practice of mindfulness is meditation. I've done it a few times before I knew what I was doing and a few times after. Knowing what I was doing has made all the difference. Finding an expert to teach you how to meditate is a good first step, but this basic primer from Mindful.org is a good place to start:

This meditation focusses on the breath, not because there is anything special about it, but because the physical sensation of breathing is always there and you can use it as an anchor to the present moment. Throughout the practice you may find yourself caught up in thoughts, emotions, sounds—wherever your mind goes, simply come back again to the next breath. Even if you only come back once, that’s okay.

A Simple Meditation Practice

1. Sit comfortably. Find a spot that gives you a stable, solid, comfortable seat.
2. Notice what your legs are doing. If on a cushion, cross your legs comfortably in front of you. If on a chair, rest the bottoms of your feet on the floor.
3. Straighten your upper body—but don’t stiffen. Your spine has natural curvature. Let it be there.
4. Notice what your arms are doing. Situate your upper arms parallel to your upper body. Rest the palms of your hands on your legs wherever it feels most natural.
5. Soften your gaze. Drop your chin a little and let your gaze fall gently downward. It’s not necessary to close your eyes. You can simply let what appears before your eyes be there without focusing on it.
6. Feel your breath. Bring your attention to the physical sensation of breathing: the air moving through your nose or mouth, the rising and falling of your belly, or your chest.
7. Notice when your mind wanders from your breath. Inevitably, your attention will leave the breath and wander to other places. Don’t worry. There’s no need to block or eliminate thinking. When you notice your mind wandering gently return your attention to the breath.
8. Be kind about your wandering mind. You may find your mind wandering constantly—that’s normal, too. Instead of wrestling with your thoughts, practice observing them without reacting. Just sit and pay attention. As hard as it is to maintain, that’s all there is. Come back to your breath over and over again, without judgment or expectation.
9. When you’re ready, gently lift your gaze (if your eyes are closed, open them). Take a moment and notice any sounds in the environment. Notice how your body feels right now. Notice your thoughts and emotions.

They also have a couple of guided meditations from their podcast if you want to listen.

I plan to give this blog a face-lift, a mindful face-lift. I've looked into the concept of mindfulness and decided I want to know more. I plan to update once a week at least, with concepts rotating around the art of mindfulness. And now, I think you're wondering . . . what is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.(source)

Yep, that's it, the basic definition. What a wonderfully simple thing, isn't it? But I like the following expansion on it  much better.

We practice mindfulness by maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and the surrounding environment.

Mindfulness also involves non-judgment, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings with the attitude of an impartial witness — without believing them or taking them personally.

Jon Kabat Zinn defines mindfulness as:

“Paying attention;

On purpose,

in the present moment, and

non-judgmentally.”

(source)

 I was delighted to find that I am already mindful in many ways, but as I've been exploring, I definitely have a way to go, especially as I relate to others. Here's to a new journey in self-examination!

Life's Little Stress Test

Well haven't I been a slacker? Oh yes I have! And on a pretty grand scale, but that's for another post, or later on this one if I get to it. :)

 Since BJ left last August, I have been enormously depressed. On "minimum mode," as our therapist put it. So last January I decided to acquire a cat. They say cats can lower your BP and stress levels. So I went online "kitty shopping," and found what we (H, N and I) thought was a suitable match at the local shelter. When she finally calmed down enough to stay out from under the bed for reasonable lengths of time, she was pretty nice to be around. Except for the scratches up and down my arms that one doctor took for "a bad rash." She gradually got calmer and calmer but would break out in random outbursts of biting and or scratching my face and/or hands. Maybe that was her way of expression affection, but it hurt. So when we got orders to leave I was only a tiny bit sad when we gave her away.

Moody teens- I know teenagers are supposed to be mercurial, full of angst and hate everything, but N and Z took things to a whole other level. They developed new issues requiring a different kind of therapy. Probably if their dad had not gone away for a year these issues would not ever have surfaced. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. When we found out about the move, N was apathetic and Z was violently opposed. I'll give him that, since if I'd been forced to move right before my junior year with the friends and activities he's had to leave behind, I'd be pissed too. But his whining kept on and on all into the summer (fortunately he was gone for most of the summer) and even after we all got here. I tried not to show it but the constant hurricane of negativity made me want to crawl under a rock. He's a bit better, being involved in the new school and all. N has a new shrink whom I DO NOT like. But that really is a story for another post.

And then there's the move itself. We knew from the job selection that there were no jobs available for BJ at our former base so we would definitely be moving. No problem for me- I start getting itchy feet after 3 years and it had been over 3. Z was in complete denial. N didn't care one way or the other. H minded a little, but knew she'd make new friends. She's a little people magnet. So we find out in March that we are moving to the St. Louis area BUT we have to medically cleared (the AF had to find doctors to meet our special needs). THAT process took 3 months- 2 to collect all the paperwork and 1 for them to do a job I could have finished in a day or so. That was agony, because were we moving or not? I didn't know what to tell people. I didn't do our usual pre-move "sort and chuck." So I sat (figuratively speaking) on that. Just when I was ready to rip all my hair out in frustration, we were cleared to move. Hallelujah! Now I had to do all of that in about a month . . . yeah, no. Luckily BJ was able to come home home about 6 weeks early and BLAM! We were moved (after 5 VERY long days of driving, but that's ANOTHER story).

So, you see, I've been very busy and very not busy. I'm a pro at task avoidance and procrastination (which is why I still have full boxes sitting around). Also sarcasm. Well I'm off to sit on my bum and watch soaps while eating bonbons!

Grinch?

Normally I really LOVE decorating my home for Christmas, inside and out. We're talking icicle lights, family decorating the tree to Christmas tunes and finding cool places to place my Christmas doodads collected over the past 2 decades. I love that excitement and that Christmas smell my goodies emit after being in storage for 11 months. Usually within 2 days after Thanksgiving we've got the goods out and I've got B assembling our tree, then I help him string the lights outside. This year I'm not so enthusiastic. After Thanksgiving dinner with some friends I drove home and noticed people hanging their lights and houses already lit- including 1 or more trees inside! I wondered where they got the motivation, because after dinner and "fun" with the kidz, I was totally beat (not even including my insomnia, being around people makes me tired). Indeed, my friends were hanging their own lights (which are very pretty BTW, in case you somehow find me out Angela hee hee). We went home and crashed. Black Friday we have a family tradition to see a movie together. Since I'm the mom and I have all power (my own micro democratic dictatorship- the kidz get a vote but I have the power to discount the votes) we went to see the new Muppet movie (which is a scream, BTW). I almost didn't survive the drive there, but even Z LOL'ed. He prefers the usual "man" stuff with lots of violence, car chases, etc. Since we got back after dark, I noticed even MORE lights on. Even these painful red-blue-green affairs that make my eyes bleed (seriously, whose twisted idea was that?!?!?!). I started feeling grinchy, because there's no way I was going to hang my icicle lights by myself. Now I know what you're thinking: "But AJ, you've got that strapping 5'11" son to press into labor!" Yes, that's true, but he's also over 170 pounds and I literally can't drag him off the couch for ANYTHING unless it involves cake. So Saturday dawns and I said to myself, "Self, today we're gonna do it! We're gonna drag that tree out and decorate that sucker!" So did I do that? Nope. My mojo fell off worse that the NYSE on a bad day (Z was copping attitude, N didn't get his meds and H was driving me nuts). Sunday was a repeat. Little punks. Monday rolls around and I'd had it with myself. But did I did that tree out? No, BUT I asked Z very nicely if he'd get it in here for me and he rudely refused (hey, he's big enough to bench press 2 or 3 or those suckers). So I foist the chore onto N (who is still smaller than me, for a couple more years, maybe). He surprises me by going and getting the tree AND the ornaments. I instruct him how to assemble the tree- hey, he's good at putting together puzzles and wacko Lego creations. To his credit, he does a great job, and even manages to connect the lights correctly (it's a pre-lit tree). Do then I get up and crank up the DVD player with tunes while lovingly drawing my kidz close for family decorating time? Nope. N and H decorate and every few minutes invite me to join them. I couldn't muster the energy to even do that. So it's my fault the tree has bent/unfluffy limbs and only the front 3 feet decorated. So now I'm thinking that I am such a bad mommy! A flippin' Grinch! What kind of mom doesn't even care to decorate the tree? What kind of mom has left all the other decorations out in the garage? What kind of mom hasn't even loaded the 5-CD-changer with Christmas tunes yet? A geographically-single mom, that's what! Without my right-hand man I just don't have the energy or motivation to get Christmas off the ground. For sure no cookie baking is going to get done. So here I am staring at all the little Whos in Who-ville and thinking I'd like their stuff. Or at least I'd like to borrow their man to take care of MY stuff, grrrr . . . I'm on 2 antidepressants for crying out loud, shouldn't I feel normal? Fortunately I have my own Cindy-Lou Who, the same friend who invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner (hi again Angela!). She set me free when she mentioned to me that when her hubbster was deployed last year (left last year right before Christmas, to Florida, but still) she didn't decorate her house at all. I was dumbfounded. I didn't know! So my head started getting back together and that inner Grinch is starting to get beat down. Do I feel like singing "fa-la-la-la-la" and decking the halls? No, but I'm going to make a better effort because I've still got a kiddo who believes in Santa Claus and, dang it, the elf's gonna make it right even if Santa's stuck downrange.

My New Nemesis

Recently there have been new cosmetic additions to my neighborhood. They were added by the local housing authority to slow drivers down, because this is California- speed limits are, after all, merely suggestions here.

Speed bumps. And not normal ones either. ("normal" being one that is slightly rounded and thus easier to travel over and gentler on your tires, shocks, etc.) These are neon yellow, not wide and super hard on you if you travel 5 mph+ over them. They insult my intelligence and slow me down on my breakneck trip to get the kidz to school/bus stop on time when I didn't get up on time to help them because I stayed up too late to read my riveting new book . . .

 Anyhow, what blows my mind is they didn't try something more subtle, like, oh I don't know, A NEW SPEED LIMIT?!?!! I've lived in housing like this most of my married life, and speed limits were never over 15 mph. In this housing, the speed limit is 25. I mean, there are KIDZ living here and playing in the streets because the backyards are so microscopic. It really makes me wonder if they even thought of that. Even though it is California and people don't follow the speed limits, they probably would decrease their speed in proportion to the new speed limit. Ya think?

Meet My Peeps

I will post mostly about what's going on in my family, so I thought I'd introduce the players in my drama: Me, AJ. I'm a 37-yr-old in a 60-yr-old body-- high blood pressure, high cholesterol, clinical depression, and a rare disorder of the adrenal glands. I'm introverted and express myself better with a pen than with my mouth. I'd rather stay at home than go out and experience wild adventures with the PTA, booster club parents or other wild home-partyers. I am a geographically single parent of a high schooler, a middle schooler, and and elementary schooler. Yes, that's 3 different kidz at 3 different schools in 3 different phases of childhood. My time is precious and sacred to me, more than my money, and I don't like to waste it. I married a man destined to be in the military, knowing what "fun" would come with it. Mostly I love to read and watch my kidz at their various sporting and/or sporting events. Other things I like to do when I feel like it, which means hardly ever, are papercrafting and digital scrapbooking. Oh and housework, that necessary evil. That's me in a nutshell.

My hubby, B. He's currently on extended "fun" in a really hot and sunny place. For a year. Alone. His life right now is basically eat, work, gym, sleep. Plenty of "fun" going on where he is. At least he's in a relatively safe place near a large city and can go out from time to time to relieve the boredom. He's mostly into what he can get on TV, streaming on the computer, computer games, or "calling" us through the marvels of modern technology, aka FaceTime. Thank you Apple. :)

My firstborn, Z. He's 15 and quite the young man if I do say so myself. Besides school, where he has mostly honors classes, he's into marching band and wrestling. November and December he's hardly home. He's very tall for his age, which he gets from me by the way (I'm 5'3" but it's in my genes, somewhere, since my brothers are all over 6') and gets mistaken for 18 all the time, which he thinks is awesome when he's in a good mood. Other things, hmm . . . he's very into Boy Scouts and is on a fast track to Eagle when he puts his mind to it. He also enjoys posting witty and sarcastic comments on Facebook too, mostly using his iPod touch, which he purchased himself. Personality-wise, he's crazy, which he gets from me. Introverted too, although he's working through that better than I did at his age. Oh, and he's the king of understatement; if he says some event or thing was "OK" that means he really liked it. He comes across as mild-mannered and introspective, but he has his teenager moments that, luckily for me, he displays at home.

My middle guy, N. What can I say about this one? He has ADD, ODD and minor depression. I'm sure I could throw a few more catchy acronyms in there if he saw a psychiatrist regularly, which he doesn't. Oh and he's 12 almost 13. That's not tough enough for him, is it? He's very smart, but "too smart" for school, aka his grades stink because he thinks homework is beneath him. But underneath his attitude issues is a really sweet and compassionate young man. I really like that one when he comes out to play! Because every family has to have one, he's the messy child. We're talking renting a backhoe to excavate his room. He has an iPod too, in there somewhere. Our family therapy sessions are mostly about learning how to understand him and validate him better, to the rest of us and the world, especially the School, where kids like him fall through the cracks because they are too poorly funded to teach him in a way that engages him.

And then there's H, my last, my 7-yr-old girl. Right now she's a model citizen. At her latest parent-teacher conference we talked about her for a total of 2 minutes. Yeah, she's that sweet. She also likes to waltz into my room at unearthly hours of the morning (7 am) and perk me to awareness. She has a lot of friends-- I don't think she's met anyone whom she doesn't consider a friend. She loves school, riding her bike home with her friends and gymnastics. She gets to put on an adorable little leotard and compete at meets, so cute! And having 4 older people around her, she didn't start talking until 15 months or so, and when she did, BAM! She hasn't stopped yet. That also makes her incredibly precocious, aka saying "I know, right?" at completely appropriate moments. Someday that's gonna get me in trouble, but for now I just enjoy her, because like N, she's very cuddly and loving.


Well that's all for now. Stay tuned for other moments sure to amaze and astound. My life is not for the faint of heart. :)

Verizon iPhone will go on sale Feb. 10

Verizon iPhone will go on sale Feb. 10

Put me on the list honey, put me on the list!!!!!!!!!!!! And some extra help if you hurt that iPhone: http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_technews/20110112/ts_yblog_technews/upgrade-your-life-simple-solutions-to-high-tech-problems